Sovereign love

First snowfall!! ☃️

What a year! 

Today is my 1 year anniversary (or “cancerversary”) of when my world was flipped upside down... when a visit to the ER for shoulder pain ended up revealing a sky-high white blood cell count indicating I had leukemia. There began a journey that included many hardships as well as countless life lessons that have impacted my life. 

One of the hardest things to reconcile throughout this past year was why all this suffering happened when God could have prevented it. I firmly believe that God is in control of all things. Not a beat of my heart nor a change in blood count happens without His knowing. Yet I’ve often wondered why my heart stopped beating 7 years ago and why my white blood cell count was so high a year ago which could have led to imminent death if it had gone undetected much longer. But this is cause of my limited view and understanding of God’s sovereignty and love. It’s not like He lost control when those things occurred. In fact, He was so present during those dark and tenuous moments. 

It was His mercy that morning which allowed me to have just gotten to work (in a hospital!) when I had my heart attack. If I had been driving to work a bit earlier, it would have been tragic. And if I had had my heart attack at home, it may have been too late for the EMT to arrive, or at least I’d have suffered some brain damage (though I sometimes still wonder if I did! 🤔) But instead, I coded with a team of doctors surrounding me, and after I was shocked back to life, there was a cardiologist standing ready to immediately insert a stent into my heart. Talk about being at the right place at the right time! I call it God’s mercy and sovereignty. And that cardiologist who saved my life that day repeatedly told me the same thing as he kept saying, "thank God, thank God... what happened today was by God's grace!” And he told me that each day from this day forward is a gift from God.  

And it was God’s mercy a year ago when I went into the ER to get checked out cause of shoulder pain thinking that it was cardiac related (which it wasn’t). In fact, it was only because of my history of a heart attack that I went to the ER. And it was then through routine blood tests that we were shocked to find I had leukemia. If not, I could have gone days or weeks longer before it was too late... for they said that at that point the blood in my brain was as thick as molasses due to the rapid proliferation of white blood cells which could have led to a stroke! Again, God’s grace and mercy. 

And the list goes on and on, from being able to be treated at Penn including having access to a particular medicine that targets my Philadelphia chromosome mutation, a death sentence prior to its discovery. And after being devastated to find out that my dear niece was diagnosed with leukemia as well which also meant that my one and only 100% match brother could not be my donor, our hearts and minds were rocked with disbelief and confusion. But, God provided another means instead as I was able to receive a “haplo” 50% match stem-cell transplant through my dear cousin Bo, a procedure that my doc has pioneered and specialized in with comparable outcomes. What a crazy year and set of circumstances! 

Often I questioned and could not understand why our sovereign God would allow all of this. And even to this day, I still have many questions which probably won’t get answered here on this side of heaven, but I find freedom knowing that He is sovereign. He has not been surprised by any of this. And I can rest in that... or rather in HIM as I realize that I’m not in control, whether it be over my cells, blood counts, remission or relapse. But rather, He is in control and can equip me in this fight. 

I don’t believe that life is random so whereby good and bad things just happen. But rather I believe that God is sovereign, loves me, and has a good plan for my life. And unfortunately that doesn’t negate suffering. Yet God promises that in the midst of suffering in this life, He will be with us and will also provide for us what we need to persevere. 

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.

‭‭(2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:7-9‬)

In you, O Lord, do I take refuge... Be a rock of refuge for me, a strong fortress to save me... I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul... But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hand.

‭‭(Psalm‬ ‭31)

A few days ago, I had my last lumbar puncture Lord-willing! This was my 14th one. And as of this week, I no longer need to do my IV med infusions anymore. 🤗  

And I’m steadily weaning my oral meds... 12 down, 10 to go... more than halfway there! 💊

As I look back on this year, here are some other numbers from 2020:

Haircuts: 1 👨‍🦲

Days I’ve worn real pants (not sweatpants, shorts, or a gown!): 5 

Days with PICC line: 365

Lovenox shots to my belly: 100+

Lumbar punctures: 14

Days of IV infusions: 120

Blood draws and transfusions: A LOT 🩸

Bone marrow biopsies: 6

Hospital admissions: 8

Days in the hospital: 77

Rounds of chemo: 6

Doctors appts: 52

Covid tests: 9 🦠

Life-saving transplant: 1

Prayers lifted up by dear friends and family: Countless 

As we reflect on 2020, it’s been a crazy year to say the least. But, we were able to endure the many setbacks and times of suffering through your loving support and prayers. Thank you. 😌🙏

Hair growing back... “chemo curls”!! 👨‍🦱

A few dear friends and their kids blessed us recently with some socially-distanced songs of cheer! 

May you and your family have a joyful and blessed holiday season!